Top 30 Greatest Seinfeld Quotes

Seinfeld Foursome

For Seinfeld fans, like me, there’s a never ending stock of excellent, funny, ture and even inspirational lines, quotes and dialogues from the show that we keep getting reminded of during our everyday lives because A) we still watch the show and B) it’s still very relevant. Here is our pick of the best ones, trying to ignore some famous one liners that might be more memorable, but aren’t as good, hilarious or even thought provoking like some other, less famous ones.

Elaine, Jerry

30. Elaine and Jerry revealing the misantropic essence that is Seinfeld, while talking about people who go on a plane with nothing to read. Elaine: I hate people. … Jerry: They’re the worst.

29. Jerry, about to watch an operation, giving us a glimpse into how little empathy to others’ suffering he has: Let’s watch them slice this fat bastard up.

28. Jerry is filled with holiday spirit: That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

27. And in the spirit of Christmas, I simply love Frank Costanza sharing the story of how he came up with Festivus. Frank: Many Christmas’ ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way. … Kramer: What happened to the doll? … Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest-of-us.

26. George lies like it’s a bodily function (just like Steinbrenner fires people). There’s a logic to the chain of lies: I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

Elaine in Taxi

25. Elaine knowing it’s going to take a very long time getting home being stuck in the middle of Puerto Rican Day Parade: We don’t know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.

24. George is unimpressed by Jerry telling him he’s going to lie to Elaine right now: I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.

23. George learning a valuable lesson about dry and wet from Jerry. George: You’re gonna over-dry your laundry. … Jerry: You can’t over-dry. … George: Why not? … Jerry: Same reason you can’t over-wet.

22. Seinfeld has also been about making fun of people who go out on dates, mentioning how awful the experience is a number of times. George: I gotta call Elaine. … Jerry: She’s out. … George: Oh, yeah. The blind date. … Jerry: They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don’t like being associated with all those losers.

21. Kramer, reciting his line from the small part in the Woody Allen movie he was cast into: These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Tim Whatley

20. Jerry summing up Tim Whatley (Bryan Cranston in his actual best role) pretty well: I don’t trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he’s using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super bowl sex romp.

19. Jerry with some more wisdom on what women like and don’t, although it got him into a lot of trouble: Jerry: Women don’t respect salad eaters.

18. George trying to help Jerry beat a lie detector so he can keep hiding the fact that he watches Melrose Place: Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.

17. Jerry and Kramer arguing about eating before surgery. Kramer: You know you’re not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist. … Jerry: I think you’re thinking of ‘You’re not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery’. … Kramer: Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.

16. Kramer in a rare moment of self awareness, but not really: Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?

ménage à trois

15. George, after getting Jerry into a threesome (ménage à trois) by mistake, which is like discovering Plutonium by accident: Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?

14. Jerry explains to Elaine just how loathsome of a creature Newman is, while trying to figure out how can Newman reject any woman. Elaine: Perhaps there’s more to Newman than meets the eye. … Jerry: No, there’s less.

13. This exchange between George and Kramer shows just how low things have gotten for George. Kramer: You’re wasting your life. … George: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I’m living my life. … Kramer: OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job? … George: No. … Kramer: You got money? … George: No. … Kramer: Do you have a woman. … George: No. … Kramer: Do you have any prospects. … George: No. Kramer: You got anything on the horizon? … George: No. … Kramer: Do you have any action at all? … George: No. … Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning? … George: I like to get the Daily News.

12. Kramer doesn’t always make a lot of sense. But Jerry should thank someone for free tickets, because that’s what being part of a society means: If you’re not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.

11. Kramer with more nonsense, this time on the conspiracy of the carpet sweeper: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.

George Costanza & Parents

10. George showing just how much he loves his parents when talking to Susan’s father. Mr. Ross: I don’t think there’s any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children. … George: Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do.

9. George with some wisdom on divorce and his own upbringing: Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. ‘Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.

8. George unhappy the Jerry told an old college crush that he’s a marine biologist. If he’s going to lie, he prefers lying about being an architect: You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.

7. Jerry, explaining the fine art of looking at cleavage and not getting caught: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

6. George telling us something we already knew about him and the other Seinfeld foursome; they never grew up: I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.

Elaine on the Subway

5. Elaine, trying to explain to a women she scared off on the Subway by talking about the Lesbian wedding she’s going to: I’m not a lesbian. I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.

4. George and Jerry trying to figure out why condom packets are so hard to open. George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open? … Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

3. George thinks that lesbians see something in him, and it isn’t good: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think “That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.”

2. Frank, trying to dump some wisdom on the parents of Susan Ross, and asking a very important question: You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The chicken goes with the hen… So who is having sex with the rooster?

1. George doesn’t get the reply he wants to from Jerry in this interaction. This line is spot on of what might be the main axis of comedy in a lot of the episodes in this show. George: What kind of a person are you? … Jerry: I think I’m pretty much like you, only successful.

We didn't forget about them
We didn’t forget about them
Top Image: Source